WITTICISMS

Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your father." The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother." The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing." A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine. He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world. "On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

The following are brief extracts taken from real resumés, as compiled by Fortune Magazine:

"I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience." "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms." "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year." "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave." "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions." "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades." "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience." "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time." "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details." "I was working for my mom until she decided to move." "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments." "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. ... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail." "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing." "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant." "As indicted, I have over five years of analysing investments." "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far." "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store." "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping.' I have never quit a job." "Marital status: often. Children: various." "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions." "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers." "Finished eighth in my class of ten."

Actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarise the details of an accident using the fewest words.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. I thought my window was down but I found out it was up when I put my head through it. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him. I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

A selection of jokes & quotes sent in by Gillian Benger:

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? If instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them would they still grow, only become troubled and insecure? What's another word for synonym? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one ment to be thrown away? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why do they report power outages on TV? What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? Is it possible to be totally partial? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong? If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? How to impress a woman · Compliment her · Cuddle her · Kiss her · Love her · Stroke her · Tease her · Comfort her · Protect her · Hug her · Hold her · Spend money on her · Wine and dine her · Buy things for her · Listen to her · Care for her · Stand by her · Support her · Buy flowers for her · Go to the ends of the earth for her How to impress a man · Show up naked · Bring beer 15 Ways to Get Rid of a Blind Date 1. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. 2. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you. 3. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, with a good view of all exits, and where your back will be facing a wall. Act nervous. 4. Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's. 5. Discretely fill your pockets with sugar packets, napkins, salt shakers, silverware, floral arrangements etc. 6. Undress your date verbally. 7. Attempt to auction your date off to people nearby. 8. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience. 9. Take a break and go to the washroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Tell your date, "These need to air out." 10. Refuse to speak to your date. Request that they mime the conversation instead. 11. Repeat every third word you say. 12. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice. 13. Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces. 14. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal. 15. Order a bucket of lard.

Actual quotes from Federal employee performance evaluations...

1."Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 2."His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." 3."I would not allow this employee to breed." 4."This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be." 5."Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 6."When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there." 7."He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." 8."This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 9."She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 10."This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better." 11."This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 12."Not the sharpest knife in the drawer." 13."Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching." 14."A room temperature IQ." 15."Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it alltogether." 16."A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." 17."A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." 18."A prime candidate for natural deselection." 19."Bright as Alaska in December." 20."One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests." 21."Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." 22."Fell out of the family tree." 23."Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." 24."Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it." 25."He's so dense, light bends around him." 26."If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate." 27."If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." 28."If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change." 29."If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean." 30."It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." 31."One neuron short of a synapse." 32."Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled." 33."Takes him 1 ? hours to watch 60 minutes." 34."Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby." 35."Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

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