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THIS ONE'S FOR THE
WOMEN
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two - if you slice them very thinly.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage with something sharp.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.
What do you call a man in handcuffs?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed panting and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilise one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manuals".
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What did God say after creating man?
"I can do better."
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first name basis with the one who makes their decisions.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
a) One. Men will screw anything.
b) Five. One to do the screwing, and four to listen to him brag about it.
What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half-hour of begging.
How many men does it take to change an empty toilet roll?
Nobody knows - it's never happened.
Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
Why do men have holes at the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get to their brains.
What do an anniversary, a toilet bowl and a clitoris have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why do women fake orgasm?
Because men fake foreplay.
What does a man call true love?
An erection.
Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn't ask for directions.
Why do men need instant re-plays on TV sports?
They forgot what happened 30 seconds ago.
Where can you find a man who is truly committed?
In a mental hospital.
How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would take an inch and call it a mile?
Why did God create man?
Because vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
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