"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity." - Albert Einstein

"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent."

"Most men define marriage as a very expensive way to get your laundry done free."

"When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why."

"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I've found it!), but 'That's funny...'" -Isaac Asimov

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." - Popular Mechanics, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"Stay humble. Always answer your phone---no matter who else is in the car." - Jack Lemmon

"To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk." - Thomas Edison

"I am not suffering from insanity, I am enjoying every single minute of it!" - Unknown

"When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it." - Clarence Darrow

"If I have seen more than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants."  - Sir Isaac Newton

"In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with the giants on whose shoulders we stand." - Gerald Holton

"If I have not seen as much as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders."  - Hal Abelson

"In computer science, we stand on each other's feet." --Brian K Reid

"The sports page records people's accomplishments; The front page nothing but their failures." --Jutice Earl Warren

"You can't be a real country unless you have a BEER and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER." --Frank Zappa

"Life isn't fair to men, When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers. When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance and winters in Florida. What do women want to be liberated from?" --Author Unknown

"The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him." --Richard Jeni

"The more I learn the more I learn there's more to learn! Therefore, I believe boredom is a state of mind one chooses over useful activity." --Jan Bowman

"'Tis education forms the common mind. Just as the twig is bent, the tree's inclined."  --Alexander Pope

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not even sure about the universe."  --Albert Einstein

"The aim of education is the knowledge not of facts, but of values." --William Ralph Inge

"The direction in which education starts a man will determine his future life." --Plato

"A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep."

"The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them."  --Mark Twain

"It says something about our times when you rarely see the word 'sinful' except to describe a really good dessert."

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." --A. Whitney Brown

"I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for." --Jasper Carrott

"You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." --Al Capone

"What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary." --Richard Harkness

"Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours." --M. Berle

"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world." --Dave Barry

"Anybody can win unless there happens to be a second entry." --George Ada

"We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak." --Epictetus

"Everyday the world turns over on someone who's just been sitting on top of it." --unknown

"They call it baby-sitting but all you do is run after them." --unknown

"Whoever says that the small things don't matter should try sleeping with a mosquito in the room." --Unknown

"Psychoanalysis makes quite simple people feel they're complex." --S. N. Behrman

"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." --Jules Renard

"History will be kind to me, for I shall write it." --Sir Winston Churchill

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book." --Ronald Reagan

"If the whole world depends on today's youth, I can't see the world lasting another 100 years." --Socrates

"An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing."

"I say men with pierced ears are ready for marriage. They have experienced pain and bought jewellery."

"If barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her all of her friends?"

"Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable." --Mark Twain

"A woman is like a teabag - yu never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water." --Eleanor Roosevelt

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."

"If I have seen more than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants." -- Sir Isaac Newton

"In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with the giants on whose shoulders we stand." -- Gerald Holton

"If I have not seen as much as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -- Hal Abelson

"In computer science, we stand on each other's feet." -- Brian K Reid

The Wisdom of Groucho Marx

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

You've got a brain of a four-year old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.

Time wounds all heels.

A woman is an occasional pleasure, but a cigar is always a smoke.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Ice Water? Get some onions - that'll make your eyes water!

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Why should I care about prosperity? What's prosperity ever done for me?

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for hunters.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Why I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.

Woody Allen

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love, but then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy then is to suffer but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore to be unhappy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down...

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know, it has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.

I am very shallow and empty, and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say.

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.

There's nothing wrong with you that can't be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

My wife is immature. Whenever I take a bath, she sinks my boats.

The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

My only regret in life is that I wasn't born someone else

There are only two things that you can control in life: art and masturbation.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.

I was thrown out of there during my freshman year, for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.

I'm so excited - I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth.

I love the rain, It washes the memories off the sidewalk of life.

Death should not be seen as the end, but as a very effective way to cut down expenses.

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

I don't want to be immortal through my work. I want to be immortal through not dying.

The Great Roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

I know exactly what I think about all this, but I can never find words to put it in. Maybe if I get a little drunk I could dance it for you.

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. --Lily Tomlin

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. -- Calvin Trillin

History does not always repeat itself. Sometimes it just yells "Can’t you remember anything I told you?" and lets fly with a club. --John W. Campbell

A day without sunshine is like, night

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party.

"Ah, yes, 'Divorce', from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams

The most recent survey on women showed that 10 percent of the men interviewed liked women with thin legs. Another 15% preferred muscular legs. The rest liked something in-between.

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