GCSE ANSWERS GIVEN
DURING 1999 ....
Every effort has been made to reproduce these gems verbatim.
"Monotony means being married to the same person for all your
life."
Q) Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you
understand its meaning
A) ... Hands that judicious can be as soft as your face ...
Q) What is a turbine?
A) Something an arab wears on his head
Q) What is Britain's highest award for valour in war?
A) Nelson's Column
Q) Who was it that didn't like the return of the prodigal son?
A) The fatted calf
Q) Name the four seasons
A) Salt, mustard, pepper, vinegar
Q) What changes happen to your body as you age?
A) When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
inter-continental
Q) What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A) They'll insist you're well endowed if you're buying a house
Q) What is a co-operative?
A) It's a kind of shop that is not as dear as places like
Marks and Spencer
Q) What is the first thing you would do to someone who has been
involved in a car accident and is immobile?
A) Rape them in a blanket and give them a sweet cup of tea
Q) What is artificial respiration commonly known as?
A) The Kiss of Death
Q) What are steroids?
A) Things for keeping the carpet on the stairs
Q) What is a common treatment for a badly bleeding nose?
A) Circumcision
"Red, pink, orange and flamingo are the colours of the
rectum."
I've said goodbye to my boyhood, now I'm looking forward to my
adultery."
"I always know when its time to get up when I hear my mother
sharpening the toast."
"Christians go on pilgrimage to Lord's."
"A major disease associated with smoking is premature death."
"The equator is a menagerie lion running around the earth through
Africa."
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
instead of the bull."
"Cows produce large amounts of methane, so the problem could be
solved by fitting them with catalytic converters."
"The process of flirtation makes water safe to drink because it
removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and
canoeists."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even
deader"
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes
them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can
hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of
which there are five - a, e, I, o and u."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the
nose."
"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the
heart stops."
"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to
make Artificial Perspiration."
"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm
above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the
nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
recovered, then kill it."
"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in
your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against
insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of
Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out
and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is
something hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids,
two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends
towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more
extinct it is."
Some definitions
| BENIGN |
What you will be
after you be eight |
| CAESAREAN SECTION |
A district in Rome |
| COMA |
A punctuation mark -
a bit like a full stop |
| SEMI-COLON |
Partial removal of
the intestines |
| VACUUM |
Large empty space
where the pope lives |
| ENEMA |
Someone who is not
your friend |
| MAGNET |
Something you find
crawling on a dead cat |
| FIBULA |
A small lie |
| MORBID |
When there is a
bigger offer |
| GERMINATION |
The process of
becoming a German |
| NODE |
When you have known
somebody for a long time |
| SEIZURE |
A Roman Emperor |
| FERTILISATION |
The fusing of the
male with the female garments |
| TERMINAL ILLNESS |
When you are ill at
the airport |
| TIBIA |
A country in North
Africa |
| VARICOSE |
Nearby |
| VEIN |
Conceited |
|
